Lacking Boundaries
by NotYourBestFriend
Summary: Entry for the FML contest. Nothing says FML like watching the trojan ecstasy condom commercial with your Mom. Just ask Bella. Oh, and I'm sure Edward is pretty familiar with it. One Shot. Bella/Renee, Edward/Esme


**FML Contest**

**Title: Lacking Boundaries**

**Pen name: NotYourBestFriend**

**Characters: Bella and Renee/ Edward and Esme**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. This is simply a one shot for the FML Contest and I am responsible for nothing but the story line itself.**

**Beta'd by Xx-Team-Twilight-xX**

* * *

I am so late, I thought. I ran a brush quickly through my hair and threw on my a pair of jeans before shuffling down the stairs in a hurry. My shoes were at the bottom of the steps, so I slipped them on quickly and grabbed my purse of the rail. I had exactly fifteen minutes to get to Edward's house in time for our date. He was taking me somewhere as a surprise and I didn't know how long it would take to do it or even get there. I couldn't be late for surprise plans. Shit! I ran by my Mom to get to the front door, but she called my name as I reached for the handle. I turned around, impatiently.

"Mom, I'm late. Can't it wait?" I demanded, irritated with her lackadaisical nature at this horrible moment.

"What are you late for?" She asked curiously, muting the TV. I huffed and shuffled my feet. I could practically feel the time going by. I couldn't be late again! I've backed out on him six times this month, I couldn't make it worse with this.

"I have to meet Edward. He has plans for us." I told her, hurriedly. "Mom, I really have to go."

She waved her hand in a carefree motion. "That boy always has plans for you. Come over here and watch some TV with your poor old Mother." She patted the seat beside her on the couch, happily. I rolled my eyes.

"Mom, we'll do something together later. Right now, I need to leave." I argued. She scoffed and gave me a disappointed look.

"You know, I won't be around forever, Isabella Marie. I could drop dead tomorrow, you know. And then you'd have to live the rest of your life with the guilt of never spending time with me. How would that make you feel?" She demanded, ranting a little bit. I stomped my foot in a childish fashion.

"Mom! C'mon!" I whined. She shook her head and sighed.

"Fine, go ahead. I'll just sit here by myself like a lonely old spinster, withering away. But you go and have fun with your boyfriend. You're only young for so long." She said, wistfully. I glanced out the window at my lonely old truck and huffed. I officially had five minutes to get to Edward's house. I finally decided it was a lost cause and looked at my Mom, sadly. She knew I always gave in to her guilt trips, no matter what they were about. My Mother was a professional guilt tripper. As I made my way over to the couch, I pulled my phone out to text Edward.

_Mom freaking out. B there in thirty. Srry :(_

It was even worse that he hated text speak. I dreaded seeing his face later, because he would most definitely have that terrible vein popping out of his head. I guaranteed he was pinching the bridge of his nose right about now. It was his little frustration move that I had to say, made him look absolutely edible. But the pacing? Now, that was just plain annoying.

"Fine, Mom. Just _one _show, Mom. Just one and that's it." I told her, angrily. She squealed like a little girl and made more room for me on the couch.

"That's wonderful, sweetie. You're just in time for the nest episode of Full House." She chirped, smoothing back my hair as I sat down next to her. I groaned.

"Not Full House! Mom, that show is so corny." I argued, trying to reach for the remote. She slapped my hand away and turned the volume up louder.

"This show is adorable! You used to love watching it with me when you were little." She reminded me, enjoying my company way too much. "But if you don't want to watch TV, we could always talk."

"Talk? I think I'd rather watch Full House." I sighed. The only thing worse than watching Full House with Renee was having one of our special talks. They always revolved around either sex, drugs or sex _and_ drugs.

"No, no, tell me what's going on in your life! We hardly ever talk anymore, now that you have a boyfriend." She pouted, pulling her legs up to her chest.

This was the thing about Mom. She was constantly worrying I was going to screw my life up and make the same mistakes she did at my age. But when it came down to it, she was still just a hormonal teenage girl. I honestly think our personalities should we switched around. I didn't know any other girl my age that was as anal about things as I was.

"Nothing is new with me, Mom. You know everything there is to know." I assured her.

"What about you and Edward? How is that going?" She demanded, about to get all concerned parent on me. Mom loved Edward, she really did. She didn't love, however, that he was a boy and was capable of getting me pregnant. The thought of that ever happening sent her completely over the edge.

If I didn't reassure her in the next two seconds, the next question would be-

"Are you two getting sexual?"

Are you kidding me? She beat me to the punch, even in my head. There was something seriously creepy about that, don't you think?

I blushed, turning my head away. On the television screen, Stephanie and Michelle were arguing over who got to go to the Counting Crows concert. Michelle won by default of Joey's licorice. I'm pretty sure I've seen this episode one hundred and twenty five times. No lie.

"We're not talking about that, Mom!" I stuttered, awkwardly. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable around Mom or that I felt like I couldn't go to her with my problems, it was just so weird talking to her about my sex life. "Why don't you tell me what's going on with you?"

She quickly sat up, eager for the chance to talk about herself. It wasn't that she was self centered or anything, she just liked to spread the word about her plans. It made her feel like she was more then just a small town cop's housewife.

"Well, you're Father and I have a special date planned for tonight. He's taking me to dinner in Port Angeles and afterwards we're having a romantic evening at home. You know…" She elbowed me, winking like she was a girlfriend and not my Mom. Her and Dad had been fighting quite a lot lately and she had been doing all kinds of things to patch up their holes, and obviously, spice up their sex life. I swear, I thought I saw my Mom buying a dildo the other day.

"Ew! Mom, that is disgusting!" I cried, covering my face with a pillow. She laughed.

"Bella, we're both adults. I think you're more than well aware that your Father and I have sexual relationship. How do you think we ended up with you?" She giggled, nudging me again. I scooted away from her, actually disgusted by her very presence. It was just so sickening, the thought of Mom and Dad, in their bed…

Ugh. That is just too nasty for words.

"Let's just watch TV, okay?" I suggested, retrieving the remote from her hands and turning the mute off. She huffed at my abrupt end to the conversation. We watched the show in silence for a moment before it went to commercial and Mom turned back to me.

"Bells, I need something really special to make this night perfect. What do you think about my black silk negligee in the closet? Granted, I haven't worn it in a few years, but I think I can squeeze my big old Mom butt into it, don't you think?" She asked me, contemplating other options in her head.

The problem with Mom always trying to be my best friend was that I was always uncomfortably dragged into conversations like this. She awaited my response, when I suddenly heard the ad on TV.

"_If you have an erection lasting more then four hours, contact your physician…"_

I hurriedly changed the channel, in hopes that Mom wouldn't launch into another rant about sex, or worse, tell me about Dad's erections and how long they tended to last. I shuddered at the thought. But, in my frantic dash to change the channel, I hadn't realized I had turned it to something even worse.

The Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial.

I shifted awkwardly away from Mom, closing my eyes as I waited for the safe sex speech she was sure to give. Every time we passed by the condom aisle in CVS or Walmart, she always gave me a ten minute lecture on the importance of safe sex and the preventions of STD's and teen pregnancy. I was surprised when I felt a shift of weight in the cushions. For a minute I thought maybe she was moving to cover my eyes. That seemed like just the kind of strange thing she would do. You know, ask me what I thought of her sex life and then cover my eyes when a condom commercial comes on. I peeked one eye open to find Mom digging through her purse. She pulled out a little piece of paper labeled Grocery List and jotted something down on it, happily.

"That's perfect." I heard her murmur. Mortification rolled through my system as I suddenly realized that Renee had just added Trojan Ecstasy condoms to our grocery list. Did she have no boundaries? I was sitting right here! But the thing was, it wasn't that she had just simply added condoms to the list. It honestly wouldn't have been so bad, had it been regular old generic condoms. But that just wasn't the case.

They had to be the same condoms that Edward and I had purchased from the drug store the previous night.

Sorry Edward, I apologized silently. You're going to have to go steal some condoms from Emmett tonight, because I will never again be able to use that brand.

Fuck my ecstasy-less condom life.

* * *

Meanwhile at the Cullen home…

* * *

I groaned loudly as I received the text message from Bella. She had promised she wouldn't be late this time. I should have known not to believe her, I thought bitterly. As I jammed my phone back down into my pocket, I tossed the basket back onto the counter. I had rented a boat especially for us and now we were going to completely miss it. I pinched the bridge of my nose and paced, intensely. Was Renee really bothering her or did she simply not want to go anywhere?

I paced all the way into the living room to find Esme sitting on the couch with her purse. She smiled at me, warmly.

"I thought you were going out with Bella, dear." She announced, confused by my angry expression. I sighed and sank down on the couch next to her.

"She's going to be late. So late, in fact, that it will be too late to pick up the boat I rented. They're going to give it to someone else." I huffed, running a hand through my hair.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm sure she doesn't mean to do these things. She's just like her Mother, that Bella Swan." She soothed me, rubbing my shoulder. "She was raised to be late, sweetie."

"But Bella is so punctual about everything else. Is it me?" I practically whimpered. I was tempted to rest my head on Esme's shoulder, but I figured I was already enough of a pussy, I didn't need to add this to the list.

"Of course not! Bella was telling me just the other night how bad she felt for always cancelling your dates. She was so worried; she let Alice talk her into one of her silly makeovers." She assured me, trying to make a joke out of it. "And you know how much Bella hates make up."

"She doesn't need it. She's beautiful without it." I mumbled, picking up the remote. I flipped through the channels, mindlessly. I felt like an idiot. I unbuttoned a part of my shirt. I noticed then that Esme still her had purse. "Are you going somewhere?"

"I'm waiting for your Father to come home so we can go shopping. It's our anniversary tomorrow and I need to pick up a few things." She explained. "But, c'mon, let's get your mind off of Bella. Find something to watch, we haven't sat down together in so long."

I flipped through the channels a little more until I found Full House, Esme's favorite family friendly 'sitcom'. If you ask me, it's a shitcom. We watched Stephanie draw the short end of the licorice, preventing her from going to some concert. A few corny lines were exchanged before Stephanie sucked it up and let it go. If you ask me, she needed to fight for her right…to party. I sighed. I really did have no life.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a rather disturbing commercial came on. I, not wanting to hear about the long term side effects of Viagra, flipped to the next channel, to avoid a rather awkward conversation with Esme. But to my horror, this channel wasn't any better than the next. To make matters worse, Esme took the remote from me and turned the volume up. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. But those feelings changed when I saw Esme quickly pull and a notepad from her large bag and jot something down on it in neat black pen. I then wished to simply skip crawling in the hole altogether and just outright die.

Not only had my girlfriend bailed on me for the sixth time this month, but my Father was now officially getting more action than I was. Fuck, I thought. Now I have to go buy new condoms.

I just couldn't live with the fact that my Mother and I had the same taste in condoms. Trojan Ecstasy, I apologize for everything you'll see tonight. I really, honestly do.

* * *

Later that night…

* * *

I rushed over to Edward in a hurry. He was standing on his porch with his arms crossed over his chest. Esme was pulling out of the driveway and she waved to us from the passenger seat. Carlisle nodded in our direction and Edward ducked his head, shyly.

"Edward, I am so sorry I'm late! You will never believe what my Mom just did." I gasped. He shook his head, slowly.

"No, Bella. You'll never guess what _my _Mom just did."

FML.

* * *

**Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new ****Trojan**** Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML**


End file.
